Validation is a powerful communication tool. At its core, it means recognizing another person’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors as understandable given their circumstances. When used with intention, validation strengthens relationships, helps manage intense emotions, and opens the door for meaningful communication.
The “6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill” is an invaluable technique in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), designed to deepen our connections with others. This skill reminds us that validation is not about agreement or condoning behaviors—it’s about genuinely acknowledging another’s experience as valid, without reinforcing any harmful or “invalid” actions.
To illustrate, imagine you didn’t get the job you wanted, and in a moment of frustration, punched a hole in the wall. Feeling disappointed and angry about the outcome is a valid reaction; however, the choice to damage property is an invalid behavior. It’s useful to focus on validating the emotion while recognizing that some behaviors may not warrant validation.
Here, we’ll explore each of the six levels of the 6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill, using examples to highlight how they work in everyday life and offering tips on how you can practice these validation techniques.
Clinician Insights: Taking Validation to the Next Level
While the steps of validation are easy to list, they are often difficult to master in the heat of the moment. Our Clinical Director of The Counseling Center of New Jersey, Jessica Haddad, LCSW, shares her “Pro Tips” for moving beyond the theory and into effective practice:
Level 1: Paying Attention
Level 1 validation involves giving someone your undivided attention by listening mindfully and using non-verbal cues to show you are fully present without distractions. The first level of validation is as simple as being present with the other person.
This involves making eye contact, avoiding distractions, nodding to show interest, and mirroring facial expressions. Small gestures—such as furrowing your eyebrows when the other person is sharing a worry, or smiling when they’re talking about an achievement—convey genuine attentiveness and empathy.
Example: Imagine two characters having a conversation. In the first scenario, one person is distracted, glancing at their phone and looking around the room. This lack of attention communicates disinterest and can make the other person feel dismissed.
In contrast, in the second scenario, both characters are fully engaged, maintaining eye contact, nodding occasionally, and showing genuine interest. The latter approach conveys validation and is the foundation for deeper, more meaningful exchanges.
Pro Tip: Rid yourself of distractions! When the other person is speaking to you: turn off the TV, put your phone down, close your laptop, or find a quiet spot to sit and listen. If it isn’t a good time for you to give your 100% attention, try telling the other person, “I really want to be present while you’re telling me this, can we continue this conversation in ____ (amount of time)”? Giving an exact time to continue the conversation helps the other person feel prioritized.
Level 2: Reflecting Back
Reflecting back is about echoing what the other person has said to confirm you understand their experience. This shows that you’re not only listening but also actively trying to understand their feelings and perspective. Phrases like “Did I get that right?” or “Is that what you meant?” can be helpful in making sure you’re on the same page.
Example: Let’s say one person tells another, “I had a rough day at work; nothing went right.” They slump down, visibly drained. The other person might respond, “Oh no, it sounds like it was a really rough day.” This simple reflection validates the speaker’s experience without needing to delve into problem-solving mode.
Pro Tip: Voice tone matters! Use a genuinely empathetic and understanding tone.
Level 3: Reading Minds
Reading minds is a unique validation skill where we infer what may be going on emotionally for the other person, based on their nonverbal cues and context. By observing body language, facial expressions, and the person’s tone, we can validate what they might be feeling, even if they haven’t explicitly said it. While it’s possible to misinterpret, this approach can open up opportunities for clarification, giving the other person a chance to express their feelings more openly.
Example: Imagine one person asks another what they want for dinner. The second person sighs, looks down, and puts their hands on their forehead, indicating they’re tired or overwhelmed.
Recognizing this, the first person might say, “You seem really tired. How about I make your favorite dish tonight?” Even if their guess isn’t entirely correct, this effort can invite the other person to share what’s really going on, making them feel cared for and understood.
Pro Tip: Be open to correction! Try ending your sentence with “Is that right?,” “Does that sound right?,” or beginning your sentence with “Please correct me if I’m wrong, it seems like you’re feeling___”.
Level 4: Understanding
Understanding involves validating the other person’s emotions or thoughts by considering their past experiences or specific situations that might explain their feelings. This level of validation shows that you’re thinking beyond the immediate interaction and recognizing how their personal history might be impacting their current emotional state.
Example: Suppose someone is worried about being judged by a new friend. Their partner might say, “It makes sense that you’re concerned, especially since some of your past friendships were judgmental and felt emotionally unsafe.” By validating this fear as understandable given the person’s history, you’re acknowledging the deeper roots of their feelings and showing a genuine commitment to empathy.
Pro Tip: Use this level when you know the other person’s history or the context of the situation well.
Level 5: Acknowledging the Valid
This level of validation involves expressing that the person’s thoughts or feelings make sense, given the current reality. Here, we validate their reactions in light of the situation, acknowledging that anyone in a similar position might feel the same way.
Example: Imagine one person buys a new phone, and later that day, accidentally drops it, shattering the screen. They’re understandably upset, saying, “I can’t believe it broke on the first day! I’m so annoyed that I have to go back to the store.” Their friend might respond, “Oh no! Having to go back on the same day you just bought it is frustrating—anyone would feel that way!” This response doesn’t attempt to downplay the inconvenience but rather acknowledges the frustration as a valid reaction to the circumstances.
Pro Tip: When having difficulty figuring out what is valid, focus on finding the kernel of truth in the emotion. Emotions are always valid. Behaviors are not always valid!
Level 6: Showing Equality
Radical genuineness is the highest form of validation, where you treat the other person as an equal and respond with authentic, “human-to-human” honesty rather than as a clinical observer.
At this level, we validate by treating the other person as an equal. This involves avoiding any “one-up” or “one-down” dynamics and relating to the person’s experience genuinely. This level of validation is especially powerful with children or people who may feel vulnerable, as it reinforces a sense of shared humanity and emotional understanding.
Example: Imagine a child is crying, and their parent kneels down to their level, saying, “If I were in that situation, I would feel that way too.” By meeting the child on their level and empathizing with their emotions, the parent is showing respect and understanding, strengthening their bond, and making the child feel supported.
Pro Tip: If you validate by saying, “Anyone would feel that way”, you may also have the urge to tell a story about a similar situation you or someone else experienced. This is a natural human attempt to connect with others, however, when this happens without permission while the other person is experiencing high-intensity emotions, they actually can feel that their personal and unique experience is being invalidated. Instead, try asking the other person first if they’re interested in hearing about a similar situation. And be open to the answer being no!
Tips for Practicing the 6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill
Validation, when used skillfully, has many benefits, including the ability to de-escalate strong emotions and foster problem-solving. Here are a few practical tips for using the 6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill effectively:
- Avoid Problem-Solving Immediately: When someone is experiencing intense emotions, they may not be ready to problem-solve. Jumping into solutions can feel invalidating, as it implies they’re not capable of handling the situation. Instead, try asking, “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like help figuring this out?”
- Choose the Appropriate Level for the Situation: Each of the six levels has its place, and there’s no need to use them in consecutive order. Sometimes, just paying attention (Level 1) is all that’s required. In other situations, reading minds (Level 3) or understanding based on past experiences (Level 4) may feel more appropriate. Trust your instincts, and practice each level in different situations to enhance your validation skills.
- Practice Makes Perfect: The more you practice validation, the more naturally it will come to you. Start with small, everyday interactions and gradually work your way up to more challenging conversations.
- Stay Genuine: Only validate what you genuinely find valid. Pretending to validate something that doesn’t feel authentic to you can come across as insincere. If you don’t understand the other person’s perspective, consider asking questions to gain more insight.
- Remember the Impact of Validation: Validation helps build trust and connection, making it easier for the other person to express themselves openly. By making a habit of validating, you’re contributing to a culture of empathy and respect in your relationships.
Ready to master the 6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill?
Contact the Counseling Center Group today to enhance your communication and strengthen your relationships.
Validation is about more than just listening—it’s a way of showing that we understand and accept someone’s experience without necessarily agreeing with it. When you consistently practice the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Skill 6 Levels of Validation, you’re nurturing trust and intimacy with the people around you.
Validating others helps them feel safe and heard, encouraging open dialogue and reducing defensiveness. And in times of intense emotion, validation can be a powerful way to de-escalate situations and encourage constructive problem-solving.
Each level of validation—whether it’s paying attention, reflecting back, reading minds, understanding, acknowledging the valid, or showing equality—offers a unique approach to connecting with others. By mastering these skills, you’re not only enhancing your own emotional intelligence but also creating more meaningful, supportive relationships in your life.
If you’d like guidance on applying the 6 Levels of Validation DBT Skill in your relationships, reach out to the Counseling Center Group—we’re here to help you strengthen your connections and build lasting empathy.
